I Stopped Chasing Him And Started Chasing Myself

Posted on by Kisses

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There was a time when all I wanted was love. I was addicted to love and being in love. The feeling of anticipation that occurred during countless hours on the phone or after hanging out and forgetting all of life’s problems. I craved a life partner. I needed love like I needed air. Without it I felt empty and every time a relationship failed, I felt empty and worthless. I accepted ill treatment from different guys in dating and relationships and I tried to make them love me, because I didn’t love myself. My worth was defined by their ability or inability to love me. How foolish I was to think that I needed their validation to be amazing.

For years I tried to force connections with people who I clearly didn’t connect with because you see we had to make it work because if it didn’t work then what was love really. I accepted half-assed effort, shit I accepted no effort and gave my all to men who didn’t even deserve me, but back then I didn’t know. I am growing. I am changing. While I still suffer from insecurities (I am a work in progress) I no longer chase love. After all those years of chasing I got tired and I got lost. I was chasing them, but no one was chasing me. I didn’t know who Leslie was and I really wanted to know her again.

If I said I now no longer want a relationship, I would be lying. I want a relationship when the time is right, but not just any kind of relationship. I want a real love, a love that is consistent, unconditional, spiritual, and authentic, and I will not accept anything less. I used to cry many nights wondering why this guy didn’t love me or why he wasn’t showing me effort. I overanalyzed everything and I thought that if I did this and that that he would finally put in as much as effort as me. A guy will put in effort for the girl he wants, so if he is not doing that he doesn’t want you. A guy not wanting you says nothing about your value. Sometimes there is a lack of connection and chemistry, sometimes you know you don’t connect but you want so desperately to do so that you try to force it. Sometimes he can’t love you because he doesn’t even love himself. And sometimes he is just a total douchebag. But no matter what the reason, know this, your value does not decrease because of someone’s inability to see your worth. You will lose yourself trying so hard to hold onto someone who doesn’t care about losing you.

After that relationship and a few others failed. I spent some time with God and myself. I realized that you do not need to chase a soul mate. I realized that God created me, and that meant that I was amazing and that anyone who couldn’t see that didn’t deserve me or was just not meant for me. I basked in my awkwardness and randomness. I fell in love with every inch of my body, acne scars and all and started focusing on my goals, and experiencing life. I craved God and I started working on my relationship with him and instead of filling that void in my heart with undeserving men, people or things I filled it with him. Everyday I am learning more and more on how to do this, but I feel more at peace. I missed the woman I used to be and so I started looking for her and chasing her. I spent alone time with her and learned just how fierce she is, lol. I took time to evaluate why I used to chase the wrongs things. I found love in God and in myself.

Now if I meet a guy and he starts distancing himself or treating me wrong, I simply walk away, because “ain’t nobody got time for that”. #Notimeforshenanigans. I rather be alone than date someone who doesn’t know my worth or who isn’t man enough to say how he truly feels. Often times we chase people or things to fill the voids in us instead of filling that void with true self-love. We feel ecstatic when he calls but feel empty and lost when he doesn’t. Stop chasing him and start chasing yourself. We must find validation in ourselves. Know that you are enough; you are so enough that it’s not even funny how enough you are. Some people won’t be able to embrace you; some people don’t even know how to love because they don’t even know how to love themselves. When you take the time to truly love yourself you will realize that not everyone will love you, and you won’t care. You will find out what you love and hate and create steadfast values and live in your truth. You will love yourself flaws and all and stop trying to get a man to do the same. The right man will come at the right time when you are not looking. The right man will love you just as you are and you won’t have to chase him; he will pursue you effortlessly. And then it will be your decision if you want to choose him back. Stop settling and stop chasing other people. You do NOT have to chase a soul mate. I kept searching for love in all the wrong places. And then I found God and myself and realized that love has been here this whole time.

Reflections of a Future Mother

Posted on by Kisses

It is because of you that I am scared to bring a son into this world. NO, children period. I fear they will be killed for absolutely no reason other than being black. People try to say that racism is dead, but it is NOT DEAD. It is very much alive and I am scared for my life and my future unborn children. I could write down all the names of the innocent black men and women who have been killed and wrongfully convicted, but still it would mean nothing. I am scared. Should I be scared for even writing this blog post? Am I allowed? Will you come after me too? Subtle racism is a problem but what is even more of a problem is how BLATANT racism is.

I look at my 19 year old brother who was born in the same year as Trayvon Martin and who slightly resembles him and I fear that he too can be a victim. And what is justice? This young boy’s life will NEVER be restored. Nor will the lives of Renisha Bride, Michael Brown and many many more who have been murdered. You tell us you are doing your job, but all I see is innocent men and women dying because of your hate and ignorance. Why do you hate us so? Is it your job to rid us from the world. Your badge doesn’t make you judge and jury. Protect and serve… what a joke. Who do you protect and who are you serving? Maybe I got it wrong, maybe it’s your job to serve bullets, but not on a tray, just in the hearts of black america.

It’s 2am and I have gone to walgreens with a stomachache to grab some gingerale. I’ve had a nice conversation with the cashier. I get into my car with two other cars in the parking lot. A white man sits in his car a few spaces away. I am on the phone with a friend and a cop has stopped behind by my vehicle not once or twice, but three times. I’m sure my plates have been run. I am livid. What have I done this time? What do I mean this time? i’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve committed no crime. Why am I second guessing myself? I have no record. I have an education. My parents are immigrants turned citizens who worked hard everyday for me to have a better life. I must tell my future children to not go out and play, because a police officer may come and attack them. “Stay in the backyard, never question authority, and always do as you are told.” “Because you are still a slave and you will never be seen as just a person, you will always be a Black person; someone to be hated, despised, feared, followed and killed. You can get killed and your murderer will walk free.”

Tears run down my face as I think of my future son. Should I even have kids? Can my future daughter knock on a neighbor’s door for help without fearing for her life? And will all her past mistakes be brought to light when they having nothing to do with her murder? Will you drag my daughter’s name through the mud throughout the trial? My God, I am scared for my life, and scared for my future children’s lives. Will my children be forced to fight ignorance with ignorance through riots because they don’t know any better? Will they forever be a part of the “system”?

I call my brother panting in worry. “Are you okay” I say. “Don’t drive too late, be careful, stay home, stay inside, FOR GOD’S SAKE PLEASE DON’T WALK OUTSIDE, I love you too much. I don’t want you to die.” I am scared for my life, for my brother, my sister, my son, my daughter, my mother, my father. I am scared.

God help us all