Letter to the emotionally unavailable men of the world
**** Disclaimer: This letter is not a personal letter to anyone in specific even though it may appear that way. This letter is for those who have ever experienced dating an emotionally unavailable person (which can be frustrating) or who has even been that emotionally unavailable person. It can be frustrating on both ends. While this post is titled letter to the emotionally unavailable “men” of the world, being emotionally unavailable can apply to both genders. I am simply writing from my own point of view as a woman.
Dear Mr.I-Have-A-Wall-Up,
Please stop wasting my time. It is not my job to break down that wall you put up after Betsy broke your heart. I like mystery but if you give me nothing, that is all I will give you back. I do not have time to constantly try to prove myself and ask for forgiveness for a crime I didn’t commit. Stop waiting for Ms. Right to come along and change your whole viewpoint on women and relationships, because well she doesn’t exist. You create distance between people by relying heavily on impersonal means of communication like “texting”. You press ignore when she calls and you are always “busy,” but the moment she is ready to walk away you give her just enough to keep her there for just a moment longer. You were hurt and since then you refuse to open up to anyone else unless they pry information out of you by threatening to push you over a ledge. You play games with women to see how “strong” they are, and to see if they will put up with your b.s even when your not willing to put up with theirs. You use humor and sarcasm to cover up your real feelings and even if you miss her you keep it a secret. You will never fall in love because you simply do not allow yourself to do so. You are a wuss and afraid that if you let anyone in that they will do what “she did” or worse. You think being closed off makes you look cool but instead it makes you look weak. The strongest people in the world are those that allow themselves the opportunity to feel. No girl has ever made your heart skip a beat, except for Betsy who broke your heart and you go through woman like underwear. You leave them confused or even worse heartbroken because they thought you were all-in when you were really half-a**ing it the whole time. You keep dating in hopes that the next woman will break that wall down and sweep you off your feet, but it is impossible. Only you can break down that wall and allow love to grow in your heart. Anything worth having involves risks, but without taking those risks you will never develop a deep emotional connection with anyone. And in the process you will hurt many who were vulnerable enough to open up to you. In the end you think you are strong because you don’t feel the pain that she does and you move on with ease. But deep down inside their is a pain that lingers like the aroma left after a fire. You haven’t forgiven that person from your past and you are blaming the world for their mistakes. Guilty until proven innocent. But that my dear isn’t justice….nor is it love. Stop wasting my time and so many others. Work on yourself and once you remove that wall then think about giving me a call, but by then I probably would have moved on to someone who cared enough to give me an honest chance.
Sincerly,
Ms. Tired-of-Your-Crap-so-now- I- don’t- waste- my- time- with -you- anymore……
Ps: I want my kisses back………
This is deep.
Being one of the men who tend to try to make themselves “emotionally unavailable” I have to defend myself, and not necessarily the particular type of man/woman you describe in this post…
My method is to simply avoid getting involved with women altogether. Emotions are dangerous, and I consider myself to be a man of reason looking to accomplish great things during my time in this existence. I'm not saying I'm not open to opening myself up and getting involved, but I do try and avoid it.
I'm just gonna stop now (even though this is incomplete) because I could go on and on. There will be a more complete response in the future.
I do agree with what you say in this post though, a lot of brothers do this for some bitch reason- like to avoid getting hurt. And it is unfair to the other party who is ready and willing to commit to the feeling.
Speak on sister…
hey hun thanks for checking out my blog, now the question i have for you is? why do you avoid woman altogether? is it because you have been hurt before? and without emotions we are dead—-you can't play it safe all the time you might miss out on that really amazing person waiting to bask in your amazingness—which would really be sad- because amazing + amazingness = awesomeness to the max…just saying
and if it is because someone else hurt you- i would have to say why are you keeping them relevant? because by not allowing yourself even the opportunity to get close to someone you are letting them win-but if this is isn't the case- disregard- thanks for reading!!
I'd like to say that I'm emotionally unavailable, but I don't fit the description in the letter.
I just don't get into relationships. I don't even want to be in the position where I might get into a relationship. I don't think any woman would want to get serious with me.
I have, what I consider to be, a very painful past that I've tried to let go of, but I can't seem to shake. So, I stay away from women.
Yes, it does hurt, very much, but I know that I can't be in the initmate relationship that I actually want so badly.
Thank you.
For me, it has little to do with the fear of being hurt and more to do with how I handle feeling for someone. Relationships can slow people down, I never want to slow down, at least not for the foreseeable future. I have no problem with exploring and being hurt, I just don't have the time or patience for it now. At the same time, if I meet a woman who is down to ride out with me, and demands that I better myself before I begin to better us, I'd marry that woman right now.
My thing is that to hide myself emotionally I create an emotion based off of illusion to a point where everything turns into chaos and at the end of the day I loose track of everything to loose everything
Wow all i can say is i am in exactly this boat the blogger describes….4 days ago he split up with me claiming he just couldnt commit to me as he would get too clingy and therefore couldnt acheive all the other things in life like travel, better work prospects etc. I know this is all a cop out and this is the second chance i gave this man. He found me the second time and came to me so i naturally thought he wanted to at least see. Turns out 5 months down the track it was never really what he wanted. I asked why knowing he did not want this did he persue it. His answer cause im the only woman that has shown she has ever genuinely cared. When questioned as to why thorw a good thing away he simply stated that he just prefers the simple life and not to have a fit a woman into his life as he clings to much. His ex wife treated him dreadful for 7 years till he got out. I feel im being punished for what she did. Its not fair but a real lesson learnt. And this blog has been helpful. Gosh glad im not alone in putting myself out there only to get burnt, in my case twice. 🙁
in response to the first comment posted anonymously after jersey campbell, i don't think it is a good idea to want to lose track of everything, it makes me wonder if you were hurt and so because you don't want that to happen again you are choosing to hide yourself and then embed yourself in other feelings to avoid a repeat of the past, if that is the case i think you should allow yourself to feel,until you do that you won't have the opportunity to ever become one with someone else- which you definitely deserve—trust me
In response to the comment left anonymously on July 7th, 2012, it sounds to me like this man definitely cares about you but has a lot of baggage that he is still carrying and carrying over into your relationship with him. You deserve better. You should not be blamed for what he went through and he sounds like he is just playing with your emotions because he still hasn't figured out his own. He seems scared, but that's not your job to have to convince him that you are genuinely there for him. He even stated that you are the only woman who ever genuinely cared, so he knows this and still he is choosing to run after contacting you in the first place. You deserve better. A lot of people get hurt but you shouldn't have to pay for that not once, but twice. I know it will probably be hard but coming from a woman who has dealt with an emotionally unavailable person I think that you should move on, because there is someone out there who won't play with your emotions and who will embrace the future and present instead of lingering on the past. Thank you so much for reading.
Kisses
I just ended a 3 year relationship with a 64 year old unavilable emotional man. Life was only about him and what he wanteed to do. Sex was selfish and everything he did was selfish. Even though he did do nice things for me, he gained from them as well. He is still married, wife lives in a different country. She came to america last year, I caught him with her, broke up with him. He chased me for 3m months, I finally gave into him.
He then retired and took off traveling without me, he just used me to get his mail, take care of his business and sex.
I am off for the summer and he planned a summer vaction for 3 months without me.
He told me he needs his freedom, independence and alone trip. Last year he complained I had to work.
I know now if he loved me he would travel when I can and he never would plan a trip without me.
I just hope he never contacts me again. Many websites, say they always do.
I want to move on, but it still hurts me.
Just got dumped uncerimoniously this weekend by a man I was involved with for a year. As he was the first man I dated seriously since my divorce, I lacked the experience to perhaps note some red flags that may have been obvious to others in the beginning. However, as the relationship went on, it was constant yo-yo, push and pull me, leave me hanging, withdraw after every time we had a bonding experience. And the control–dear god, he was the master of control, at telling me what we could and couldn't discuss, when we'd see each other, etc etc. I could probably count on both hands the number of times he ever called me instead of texting in the year we were a couple.
When we were together, he was loving and very physically affectionate, and would tell me that he was in love with me. We'd have wonderful times. Then he'd more or less disappear for 2 or 3 or 4 days, even though he considered us to be in a “serious” relationship. I spent so much of the relationship feeling hurt, lonely, and utterly confused.
I knew he had some baggage from his marriage, from which he'd been divorced for 6 years, but I had no idea to what extent. It meant that he accused me of all the things he considered HER to be–controlling, manipulative, deceptive, and on and on. It was absolutely exhausting trying to prove myself to this man while he play-acted out the way he WISHED he'd treated his wife. Ultimately, he broke up with me because I went out for a “girls night out” to a club for dancing–totally innocent, but apparently enraged him with insecurity and jealousy, and he broke up with me by changing his facebook status. After a year together. Slap in the face.
I'm tending to a seriously broken heart now, though I realize it's best that it's over. As I look back at all the pain I went through with him, I can only hope that the lessons I learned from this will somehow make it worthwhile someday.
I could have very well written this letter as well, cause that is exactly what I would tell to my ex.
He was keeping making promises and future plans, but he was never there for me. Always busy, always texting instead of calling, always turning off the mobile when he suited. It was always all about HIM. He decided everything cause all had to be made “his way” or he would be feeling caged.
Finally he broke it off when it was time to make the promises real. Big coward, such a waste of time…
And now he says he wants someone new and that his feelings for me were never deep. He says I'm perfect, and that he wants to find someone like me, but not me. Lovely confused guy! I was there already, and no one is like me!
But he never wanted to love me, he doesnt want to love anyone but himself.
I am just wondering if being Emotionally Unavailable is a permanent mental illness or if there is hope for the man to change?
Coming from an “emotionally unavailable man” I recently dated a girl after about 5 years of not dating any1 due to avoiding women but this girl was drunk and “opened up” by telling me about her life.. now at first It was kjnd of a date but I took it as just taking her out for her plessure to dance and have fun she even claimed she might meet someone but not run off with them but only get there number. But she mentioned it was a date during the night so I was confused with this drunk women.. (sign of an emotionally unavailable man lack of comunication) mind u this women might be a bit out of my league.. long story short i had a good time didnt go all the way so it left me wanting more.. now im 30 and have been through my share of heart aches so if u plan on falling in love with someone keep in mind my advice and dont give too much when your getting 0 in return give a broken heart time time time and space space space.. and make sure u find out a litttttle something about the past if u can .. but dont let them spill everything in one shot… dig very slowly even waiting after a number of dates to get more info.. if can feel his pain or lack of youll know… point is love is always there its just gonna take alot of work and strategizing, cant give too much nor not enough.. most men like myself like an exciting women with a bit of a rocky past not too too wild tho in the present and must open up maybe even a little bad girl wont hurt.. but cant make it too easy for guys tho even avoiding him for a few days.. but when your with him try to give him most of your attention and hes yours and a little attitude never hurt noone
I happen to come across your blog and this post hits me down to my very core. What I felt was, you're like trying to read and express my heart and mind.
I dated an emotionally unavailable guy on and off for two years and it was an emotional roller coaster ride. The most important lesson I've learned was to realize my self worth, loving myself first and foremost before loving someone else. It was a difficult thing accepting that maybe we were not really meant for each other, in fact I'm still in the process of letting go. I really like what you've added to your letter telling him that you want your kisses back because that is exactly what I would like to tell him. lol… Thanks for this post.
I'm an emotionally unavailable person…. but I don't really fit into your description….. the reason I'm being like that is because I don't want to be taken for a ride….. I also had my fair share of problems with woman and as I grew up…. I found out that nobody is responsible to your feelings, only yourself….. now that I have met an amazing woman but deeply conflicted whether I should still maintaining my emotional unavailability…. as I'm not sure whether she's also taking me for a ride…..
Wow… its like you looked into my head and were writing about me and the EU man in my life. Says he hasnt found “the woman he cant live without” . 20 years after his divorce and no committed relationships! Big red flag from the first conversation! I am ony 5 months into this on/off relationship. I use that term very loosely. We are more off than on because he lives 11 hours away… but manages to give me enough to keep me hooked. Only 5 months in and I know there is only heart ache in store for me..I can still walk away with minimal damage & I know I should
….but I cant get him out of my head.
I agree in some ways. i held back for several months to really let my heart open up to someone who said i was emotionally unavailable. She told me to love her and “risk a broken heart”. When I did finally express my love for her and thought we’d be soul mates, months leading into over a year of heartache and heartbreak for me followed. She had a sort of fling with another and then finally she met someone else who “lived closer to her”. So I was heartbroken. But from the pint of view of theis blog – i at least became emotionally available.
Coming from an “emotionally unavailable man” I recently dated a girl after about 5 years of not dating any1 due to avoiding women but this girl was drunk and “opened up” by telling me about her life.. now at first It was kjnd of a date but I took it as just taking her out for her plessure to dance and have fun she even claimed she might meet someone but not run off with them but only get there number. But she mentioned it was a date during the night so I was confused with this drunk women.. (sign of an emotionally unavailable man lack of comunication) mind u this women might be a bit out of my league.. long story short i had a good time didnt go all the way so it left me wanting more.. now im 30 and have been through my share of heart aches so if u plan on falling in love with someone keep in mind my advice and dont give too much when your getting 0 in return give a broken heart time time time and space space space.. and make sure u find out a litttttle something about the past if u can .. but dont let them spill everything in one shot… dig very slowly even waiting after a number of dates to get more info.. if can feel his pain or lack of youll know… point is love is always there its just gonna take alot of work and strategizing, cant give too much nor not enough.. most men like myself like an exciting women with a bit of a rocky past not too too wild tho in the present and must open up maybe even a little bad girl wont hurt.. but cant make it too easy for guys tho even avoiding him for a few days.. but when your with him try to give him most of your attention and hes yours and a little attitude never hurt noone