Is Physical Attraction Really Important?

Recently I got a message from a friend asking me if she should continue seeing a guy that she wasn’t physically connected to or if she should end it. I personally think that it is very important that you are attracted to a person BODY, MIND, AND SOUL. I think that you cannot have one without the other because they all correlate. The same goes for the other way around, if you think someone is gorgeous but you have no chemistry, there is no point, unless you simply want a physical relationship. I told her that if he doesn’t make your vagina whisper then please move on. And that goes for both males and females in any type of relationship that involves another person. If you don’t feel excited or get that spark after feeling them out you should move on. I am in no way a shallow person but I think that if you do not have a physical attraction as well as chemistry with someone that the relationship won’t go far and will fade out.

When you like someone and you are feeling them, you usually just know. The fact that my friend wrote me a message due to her uncertainty shows that she already had doubts after only a few dates. I think that is way too soon to question if you want to even go on another date with someone which means she really just wasn’t feeling it. I think it’s better to be honest with yourself and move on before that other person gets in too deep. You don’t want to cause any heartbreak because you decided well I guess I will give him/her another shot even though he/she doesn’t make my heart smile. At the same time some people have ridiculous standards. If you think that every person you meet is going to look like a super model then you need a serious reality check. I think it is just important that you have an attraction to a person, they do not need to be the best looking person in the world. In fact there will probably always be someone else out there that you will be attracted to, a lot of fishes in the sea. But once you have that initial attraction you have something to begin with and then if you get to know someone and they have a wonderful personality it will complement them nicely and they will probably become even more attractive in your eyes.

I personally just do not feel that it is wise to pursue something with someone you have no initial attraction for. I have seen some cases in which this has worked out but I have also seen many situations in which that didn’t happen and someone ended up getting hurt. I know that not every guy is going to find me attractive and vice versa, but that’s life. We all like different things. Someone else will see what someone else doesn’t and then you can build on that by creating a deeper connection that connects you mind and soul. I want to feel butterflies when I see someone (which i have) and I want to want their embrace. If I am simply not attracted to you I will not see you past a certain level. Why do you think they say that the first impression is so important? Because people go by sight first and then the rest follows. But I also think that if you meet someone who you have chemistry with but aren’t physically attracted to, you should give them a chance. Attraction is not only skin deep, but if after a few dates you still aren’t fully feeling it, walk away.

Why you should date yourself before you date anyone else

Okay some of you are probably thinking, “date yourself” what the hell are you talking about. Well let me explain. I think that in order for a person to love you, you need to not just love yourself first but also be completely comfortable with yourself. My best friend made me realize that I was not comfortable with myself a while back. I love myself dearly but being comfortable was a whole other level. Ask yourself this: Do you do things that you love to do by yourself? Or do you always need a companion by your side to go out and enjoy life? If your friends or a potential date isn’t available do you sit inside thinking “oh well they are flaky i will just stay in tonight” Put an end to that now. Can you go to the movies by yourself and not feel awkward? How about a concert? or those salsa lessons you’ve always wanted to try? Or that new poetry spot. If you feel awkward doing things by yourself then you are probably not fully comfortable with yourself. Of course there are some activities that do require others and I do not suggest going out to eat by yourself but there are plenty of things you can do by yourself.
I think that a person who can go out and enjoy life without needing a significant other or person to validate them or keep them company is the most desirable candidate. Think about it. A person who is comfortable and confident with their own identity will most likely not be needy or clingy because they don’t need another person’s attention to validate their own existence. They simply exist and enjoy life. A significant other would simply complement them but not define them. And why would you want to put so much power in another person’s hand? Honestly some people put a lot of pressure on their mates by relying on them for everything/happiness and that pushes people away. Nobody wants that type of responsibility because the moment they make a mistake or do something wrong they fear they can easily break your heart. The man or woman who has his or her own life and friends, and passions are the most sought out candidates in the dating world. They are strong and confident and can live just fine without another person by their side. They know how to make themselves happy so it makes it easier for them to make a potential candidate even happier. They exude positive energy and everyone loves and wants to be around positive energy.
I love anything comedic for that very reason. Comedy makes me laugh and smiling is good for the soul so I can watch funny videos/shows for hours. The same goes for being around someone, if they exude positive energy you are automatically going to be drawn to them. Nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly negative, and always in need of attention. In fact most people want to give others attention when they do not ask for it. Think about it. Usually when a person blows up your phone and gives you no space to breathe you get irritated and you pull away but when they don’t you want to speak to them more. If you are not comfortable in your own skin I suggest you focus on that before you focus on another. People cannot fill the voids that we need to fill ourselves. If you rely on others all the time for your own happiness you will end up unhappy. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Focus on yourself, your health and appearance. Have fun, do things with your friends and put that energy into your career. Love will come when you least expect it and once you know how to truly love yourself you will be able to love someone else.

Kisses xoxo

The Do’s and Dont’s of Online Dating- Pros vs. Cons

Hey guys so this was another requested topic and I must say it is a popular topic especially in today’s society filled with media and online interactions. I love the requests and feedback, so please keep it coming. Now first I would like to say that I do not see a problem with online dating and I am all for it. Did you know that 1 in 5 relationships start out from online dating websites (lol- i couldnt help but sound like that match.com commercial) With that said online dating is not for everyone. I am not currently on any dating websites but I have used one in the past so I think I can give a little input based on my experience and opinion. Also I have quite a few friends that are on dating websites themselves. I don’t think being on a dating website is something to be ashamed of. Today everyone is so busy, and meeting someone in the club is getting old and not really the best place in my opinion. If you choose to try online dating I suggest researching all the different sites that they have out there. They have paid sites like match.com and eharmony and then there are free sites like plenty of fish and okcupid. I have used okcupid and it has it’s ups and downs. First things first if you are going to try online dating PLEASE BE safe. I cannot stress it enough.

Do’s:
-Meet in a public place, like a mall or well known area – if you are in the NY area- i like times square because there are cops everywhere, or a starbucks
-Tell a friend where you are going and with whom
-You can look up the person online- background check- if you feel it is necessary
-If possible turn on the GPS feature on your phone while on the date
-Go on a couple of dates and really get to know a person before you let them in on private details of your life (like exactly where you work or live)
-Be Truthful on your page, for ex: if you have kids, put that information on your page, if you leave that info out it makes it seem as if your kids are not important to you or like you are trying to hide something
-Be positive, nobody likes a negative debby downer or party pooper
-Put up a nice picture that is about 3/4 of your head and your body that shows you smiling and represents who you are in a positive way
-Read a potential dater’s FULL PAGE- don’t half ass it- you will regret it later

Dont’s:
-Don’t put up a ronchy picture- meaning don’t put up a picture showing too much skin, or pushing your butt out and your boobs or a picture of your genitals(highly inappropriate btw) this gives off the wrong message and if you are looking for something serious, it won’t be the vibe you give off simply from a picture
-Have a picture, if you are on a dating website without a picture, shame on you, its not fair that you know what they look like but they don’t know what you look like-don’t be a creeper
-Don’t send one line messages- it tends to get old, bring up something or ask a question
-Do not meet at your house or at your date’s house, this goes for guys/girls you meet offline too
– Do not get drunk with this person- you do not want a stranger taking advantage of you
-Be Vague- if there is no information on your page why would anyone want to date you or even have an interest- you might get lucky if you have a great picture, but then you know that they only contacted you because of your picture and nothing else
-Don’t fabricate-i can usually detect bs from a mile away- leave it at the door

****Now in my opinion here is the Pros and Cons of online dating- from the perspective of Okcupid

Pros:
-Okcupid provides questions that you can answer that show how compatible you might be with another person- that way if you don’t have that much of a compatability percentage you don’t need to date them
-You can decide who you want to contact and who cant contact you- married individuals, smokers etc
-You can get to know someone from a distance before you even decide you want to take time out and actually meet them
-You can meet more people than you would normally meet outside in a shorter amount of time
-It saves time
-There is somewhat of a screening process-depending on what website you use

Cons:
-Not everyone is who they say they are-beware of fakes- be safe and do your research
-Some people have very blank pages- but you do not need to write them or respond to them
-Sometimes there are creeps and weirdos that send you creepy or disturbing messages- BLOCK THEM or report them
-Some people only have one picture up that shows nothing or shows a side profile which doesn’t let you know exactly what they look like- ask for more pictures- if they refuse- keep it moving
-Some people don’t look like their pictures- this has not happened to me but I have heard stories from friends- smh smh
-People fabricate their profiles to make them sound like they are selling a really amazing product—if it seems too phony- walk away- no one is perfect

Be Truthful, Be SAFE and remember to have fun and be yourself : )

Kisses

Playing the field- Is it really okay???

So you were dating this amazing guy and you decided to not date any other guys while seeing him, but now he has moved on and left you high and dry for the next chick faster than you can say, “but baby why”. And now you are wondering what you did wrong. How can you fix it? etc This is a requested topic. A friend of mine wanted to know my thoughts on dating different men at the same and for the sake of the request I will keep it gender specific but what I have to say applies to both men and women and all types of dating relationships. No one is exempt lol. My thoughts are simple… I don’t think there is anything wrong with dating more than one guy at the same time, and when I say dating I do not mean being in a committed relationship, i mean simply that, “dating”.

Most guys date women simultaneously. It is called playing the field. Getting to know different people and feeling them out before you make a decision to commit. When a guy does it, it is seen as keeping his options open but sometimes when a woman does it she is seen as loose or not desirable. That is complete and utter bull*** and a double standard that i do not endorse. I think that women should play the field and get to know different guys within reason. Dating is time consuming and sometimes costly if you have to pay to get to the person etc so choose who you date wisely. Also if you do date other men, when one decides to dip on you it will be easier to deal with because you have other options. If a guy has his options open I do not see why you can’t have your options open as well.

While I think it is okay to date other guys at the same time I think that it is important that you inform the guys that you are dating that you are dating or talking to other people. I don’t think its cool to keep that information from someone you are seeing, they have a right to know that. Also there is absolutely nothing wrong with just seeing one person at a time. Some people like to do that because they like to just focus on one person at a time but make sure you know where the other person stands on this as well so that if they are seeing other people, you know. You shouldn’t choose to see other people out of spite, do it simply because you want to. Here is the tricky part, while i think it is okay to date or talk to different guys at the same time I don’t think a woman should be having sex with all of the men she is seeing. This puts you at risk for getting a disease or getting pregnant. I think if you do choose to take it to that level that is when you should decide on one person that you are intimate with in order to keep yourself safe. While dating other guys is a good way to really figure out what you want and meet new people there is always a possibility that a guy that you really like can hurt you and that is why it is so important to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin before you date. If you don’t love yourself the moment a guy disappears you will be so distraught and feel like you’ve lost everything when in reality you didn’t lose much just a guy who isnt the one.

Kisses
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Chemistry is simply not enough!

So you’ve met this guy or girl who you think really gets you. You both click really well and he or she laughs at your jokes and you already have inside jokes together. You both can talk on the phone for hours at a time and you guys have ….dare I say it, CHEMISTRY. This person makes your heart skip a beat whenever they are around or they make you laugh so much that your belly hurts and now you think you want to be in a relationship with them. Let me say this right now, chemistry is not enough and it never will be and here’s why:
Just because you and someone else have chemistry doesn’t mean you are compatible. To be honest there will probably be quite a few people that you come across that you “click” with and have that so called, “connection” with, but you need to connect on all levels; body, mind and soul. Ask yourself these very important questions: Are you and the person you like actually compatible? Do you have the same religious views? Do you both wants kids? If so, when do you want kids? What are your career goals? and do they intertwine? Do you both want to get married? Do you both have similar goals in terms of location? How do each of you deal with conflict? How are both parties with their families? Are there kids involved? How are you with money? Are you a neat freak? Does it matter if a person isn’t a neat freak? These are the things you really need to discuss if you actually want to develop a relationship with someone. You can talk to someone till 4 in the morning about how much you love 90’s nick, which is great but don’t forget those important questions along the way. It will save you so much time and money and maybe even a “broken” heart. If your long-term goals don’t line up then chances are you will have a lot of turbulence in your relationship down the line.
At the same time it goes both ways, if you are compatible with someone but have no spark or chemistry it will also not work out. Does this person give you butterflies in your tummy? Do you think about them in the morning and before you go to sleep at night? Do they make your heart smile? (yes i know sentimental and gushy- but i am serious) If you don’t feel that spark, compatibility won’t matter either because that relationship will get boring real quick. You need both chemistry and compatibility for a relationship to thrive. It’s like those “now what” commercials. Okay so you are cute and I am attracted to you, now what??? You need more than a cute face. Okay so we spoke till 4 in the morning for 4 nights in a row….now what??? Remember chemistry is simply not enough.

Thanks for reading, please subscribe and send your comments and story ideas my way: iwantmykissesback@gmail.com

-Kisses xoxo

Stop Texting me, no seriously

So it’s 2012 and everybody and their mama is texting. This is the age of textaholicism. While I think texting is a good way to communicate when you are unable to speak I do not think it should be the ONLY way to speak. I am so tired of people telling me that the person they are talking to doesn’t “like” to talk on the phone and just likes to text. I think that is straight BULL. I don’t mean to be harsh but maybe he or she just doesn’t like to talk to you on the phone.

Actually if I meet a guy and he tells me that he doesn’t talk on the phone and he only texts I am automatically turned off because communication is very key to me. I have no problem talking on the phone, in fact I prefer to talk on the phone over texting, but there are sometimes when it is just better for me to text because I am unable to talk. And while I like to talk on the phone I don’t like to talk all day, I have a life. I like to talk to the person I am seeing at least once a day, whether it is via text or phone just to check in, but I refuse to text every single thing. I am not dating a phone and I would like to actually hear the person’s voice sometime since I probably won’t get to see them all the time.

Also I absolutely hate when someone texts me a ridiculously long text about something serious. I understand if it is a dire situation and you are unable to call and you need me right away, but if I know you can indeed call me and you just decided to send me a 7 page novel about how you are so in love with me, chances are I am not even going to respond. WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? Just call me, or tell me in person. A little more direct contact goes a long way. In a relationship communication in all avenues is important so I personally think that if someone only texts you and does not call, you might want to reevaluate that relationship,….unless this is a person you happen to see so often that you don’t even need to talk on the phone. And also if what you are telling me amounts to 7 text messages chances are its probably better said on the phone because it probably requires a long response back.

I feel like if someone is really interested in you they will have no problem picking up the phone and talking to you even if it is for a few minutes. And to be honest the people that tell me they are not phone people are usually people that can’t hold conversations or people that have come encounter with people that can’t hold conversations so they don’t want to be on the phone. No one wants to be on the phone when you’re sitting there in complete silence. Find a more interesting person –you might change your mind. Honestly if I don’t find a guy interesting enough to have a whole conversation on the phone with (not a 5 minute convo) chances are I am probably not going to want to waste my time texting him either, but that’s just me. What are your thoughts? email me, send me a question or a topic you want me to write about at iwantmykissesback@gmail.com and don’t forget to follow me on twitter- www.twitter.com/iwantmykisses
Thanks for reading

Kisses xoxo

A Witness to Bull****

Two weeks ago right before valentine’s day I witnessed a very sad and appalling travesty. Yes I feel the need to be completely dramatic, because what I saw was that serious. I went to dinner with one of my close female friends and as we were sitting in “Fridays” my friend informed me that the female behind me had just been stood up midway into dinner. WHATTT!! So pretty much the waiter asked the guy that she was with to see his id after he ordered an alcoholic beverage and then he said oh I think I dropped my id outside when I got out the car. Well she was waiting for him for atleast an hour because he had gone to leave before me and my friend had received our food and we were finished and ready to go and she was left alone. What makes this whole thing even worse is the fact that the guy was also her ride. My friend overheard the whole story while I stepped away to go to the restroom. I wanted to turn around so bad and show my sympathy for this girl. This is an example of complete and utter bull***. This guy takes the cake and award for a**hole of the year. No woman should be left alone on a date, even if the person isn’t interested. Not only was this woman left with the bill, but she was left with no ride. You have to be a very heartless and cold person to do that to someone. I hope she knows that she deserves so much better. Guys like that make it harder for the great men of the world to date, because more women have their guards up and refuse to let them in. Moral of the story is, there are some cold people out there, but if something like this happens to you, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It probably means you need to choose better and that the next time you see this person on street please trip them into reality, cause that isn’t cool. Know your worth, and everyone is worth more than that. No one deserves that kind of treatment so hold your head high and keep it moving. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!—he definitely is not—-loser

Nice guys do finish last!!!

You know the saying, “nice guys finish last,” well I agree with this. Now before you scream at me like whatttt, let me explain. In my opinion I think that a woman wants a guy who is a nice guy but has a little bad side to them. When I say bad I mean mysterious and fun. While I do want a good/nice guy, a lot of good guys are not mysterious and give way too much way too soon. I personally want a guy that can keep me on my toes and treat me good at the same time. I like to wonder a little and I like a guy that doesn’t reveal all of himself all at once. While I like some mystery that doesn’t mean I want a guy that leaves me hanging and confused on where we stand, it just means I like a guy that gives me my own space and time to miss him and who will also give me more of himself gradually.
There was this guy I dated once and he was a nice guy but he was just too nice. He always agreed with me, he smothered me and honestly he kissed my a**. That is nice for a little while but after awhile that ish gets boring. I want someone who will tell me when I am wrong and speak their mind. (Respectfully ofcourse : ) We are human and we love challenges, it is just a part of our nature, so if something is too easy after awhile we want something different and new. “Mr. too nice” that I was talking about earlier was also super cheesy. Sometimes when a guy is too nice he comes off cheesy, because it seems like he’s trying too hard. Sometimes the too nice act can come off as phony and just straight thirsty, and nobody wants a thirsty dude…it is simply not cute. There are guys out there that decide you know what I am not going to be nice anymore and I am going to be an a**hole so I can attract more women. I don’t think you need to be an a**hole to attract women. I think that you have to be nice within reason and not give everything up so soon. It’s like sex. If someone gives it up too soon sometimes they can come off as being too easy, and nobody wants an easy girl or guy. It is the same concept for dating, nobody wants someone who isn’t a challenge. Everyone likes a chase. I am not a fan of games so I am a pretty direct person, but at the same time I like to leave certain things up to imagination.
Give someone time to miss you, don’t blow up their phone. Live your life and show the person you are interested in that you care without being too overbearing. If you are too clingy and too nice too soon it comes off as needy, predictable and just okay. You never want to be just “okay” to someone, cause then that means they are just not that into you. As for the a**holes of the world, yeah they might get a lot of traffic coming their way but you have to ask yourself what type of women are they attracting. Are those women secure with who they are? Do they know their self worth? Because if a women is secure with who she is, she won’t put up with a guy who is an a**hole or a dick. I am guilty of putting up with it in the past, but now I refuse to do that, because then not only would nice guys finish last but so would I. The keyword here is balance, balance, balance. Be yourself, live your life, but dont be overbearing, too predictable or thirsty. Don’t give it all away at once. You have so much to give, so spread it out and keep her wondering…..she will stick around to find out more I promise.

If you want me to write about a certain topic, answer a question or you have a comment feel free to email me at iwantmykissesback@gmail.com

Kisses

Live A Little – No More Self-sabotage

So before I begin, I would like to sincerely apologize for my absence. Life got a little crazy and I have been so busy,… but enough of that. One of my problems is that I worry way too much. I over analyze everything instead of just letting things be. I haven’t always been this way, but unfortunately my past kept hitting me in the face. I decided to take a stand and I started hitting my past right back in the face and I told him to HOP OFF cause for once in my life I don’t give a s***. I refuse to let my past define me anymore, I MAKE MYSELF, not anyone else.
If you find yourself questioning every moment and everything in your life, STOP IT- no seriously, coming from a person who has done that in the past it gets you no where. I was talking to a guy once and I would ask him stuff like, “do you think we are compatible?”, “did you miss me?”, “but what if?” . That was a big no no, I just came off as insecure, and it made it seem like I doubted his feelings for me when in reality he gave me absolutely no reason to doubt his feelings at all. He was affectionate, open, and honest, and we had a lot of fun together, but I was messing things up by questioning everything. We could be having a great time and I would then mess up a perfectly romantic moment with an annoying insecure question. And that’s when I had to take a deep look at myself and I realized that because I had been in an on and off relationship with a man who always gave me reason to doubt him, insecurity had become a part of my character. He wasn’t open, he was secretive, he betrayed my trust, he wasn’t affectionate, and those were all red flags that I didn’t pay attention to until the damage was done. But instead of blaming him or myself about it I decided to leave it in the past. It happened, I learned from it and I am no longer in that situation so there is no reason for me to take any baggage with me. I left that crap in the back alley, so why would i take a bag for keep sake? Before that situation I was super confident, and wasn’t the type to nag or question everything. I choose to live a little because if I don’t I will mess up all my relationships over someone who really doesn’t matter at all. Why keep someone relevant if they aren’t???
Now I am going with the flow of things, and if a guy gives me any reason to doubt him, and I mean a real reason I just won’t continue talking to him. If a guy or girl gives you any reason to doubt them then chances are the relationship won’t last, or it will be rocky. The person you are with should never give you a reason to doubt yourself or what you guys have. Remember to love yourself. I had to really take a good look at myself and say in my Madea voice, “what the hell are you doing?” Life is wayyy too short to stress everything, and if the right someone comes along and is treating you right don’t mess it up with unnecessary things. I would say if you are in this place to work on loving yourself more. It sometimes takes time and won’t happen overnight but it can indeed happen. Do things that make you happy. I would say be so sure of yourself that you wake up saying “man i am the s***!” I am not saying turn into this cocky person, but be yourself and love you with all your might, because you deserve the best and you are probably giving yourself less credit than you actually deserve. Know your worth and your price tag, don’t put yourself on the clearance rack. Go with the flow and enjoy the moment. Life is too short to not live a little. Actually LIVE A LOT!!!!

Tips For Getting Over A Breakup

First off I would like to apologize for my absence within the last few weeks. Shame on me, but I will continue to try to write more often. One topic that I really wanted to touch on was breakups. Breakups can be really hard but I dont think that it needs to be terrible. Time heals all wounds but I am going to include some tips that have helped me in the past when I was going through a pretty bad breakup. When it first happens it’s usually really hard to break all ties with someone you are probably used to seeing often and speaking to on a daily basis but if you are truly choosing to breakup without friendship then here are some things that I suggest.

BTW I am actually not a fan of breaking up over petty things, actually even some big things. Like Pleasure P says in his song, “Did you wrong”, “the easiest thing you can do is to leave”. If the person you are with is truly worth it then dont break up because of a stupid argument, something that happened before you were together, insecurities or not wanting to compromise. WORK THAT ISH OUT, no seriously….. (says Ms. Stubborn- hey I’m working on it)

Tip # 1: Watch a Madea Clip- no seriously watch it, it will make you smile
(Update- sadly these clips were removed from youtube)

Tip # 2: Never make someone your everything because the moment the relationship is over you feel like you’ve lost everything, but that’s not the case. Do not base your happiness and well-being on being with another, you need to be happy with yourself first. Have your own life and friends. Focus on yourself and achieving your goals.

Tip # 3: Do not call or text. I know this is easier said than done but doing these things only prolongs the process and if you know you have no intention on getting back with this person there is no reason to waste your time. Label their name as “Do not call” or “Danger”. Or you can delete the number or go as far as getting an app that blocks calls from them.

Tip # 4: If you are a music lover I suggest listening to music, and empowering songs. I listen to music when I am down and it makes me feel so much better. Try to stay away from sad love songs and songs that remind you of your significant person. A song that I think is very uplifting is, “Golden” by Jill Scott.
Tip # 5: Friends, Friends, Friends- Hang out with your friends to take your mind off them. Eventually that person will be an after thought and then you will be able to move on. Also remember they are there for you when you need them.

Tip # 6: If you did all you could do and the relationship still failed- Accept what God has allowed. (I understand not everyone believes in God) So i will also say things happen for a reason. And the truth of the matter is that if you were meant to be with that person it will happen.

Tip # 7: Cry, let it out. Crying doesn’t make you weak. If anything those who have the courage to cry when they are hurt are truly strong people in my eyes. I cry when im upset to myself because I feel like I am cleansing my soul and I feel like a weight is lifted off of me. Remember “the strongest people in the morning, cry themselves to sleep at night”.

Hope this helps. If you have any suggestions or want me to answer a question or discuss a topic feel free to email me at: iwantmykissesback@gmail.com

-Kisses