May 2016 - I Want My Kisses Back

“But we’ve been together so long.” “But I love him and he is just getting his life together.” “He just needs time to figure out his feelings. “ Life is too short to be waiting on someone to act right. I don’t care how long you have been with someone, the amount of time you date someone doesn’t negate all of the times they have treated you like shit. A lifetime spent with a person who doesn’t treat you right is way worse than a few years. I am telling you this for your own good. The time you waste on that fuckboy is time wasted and time taken away from building your empire, building up yourself, and possibly meeting the REAL love of your life.

This is not a blog post to bash you or make you feel terrible. This is a wake up before you waste anymore time and start living your life post. A man will only change if he wants to change, you cannot change him. In fact you may be building him up for another woman. How many times have you seen a girl date a guy who wasn’t acting right but to then act right for the girl who came after? Crazy, but so often reality.

He doesn’t call you for days or weeks, he cheats on you, he has nothing going on in his life, and he treats you like a doormat. You stay because you love him unconditionally even though he doesn’t love you the same. Love doesn’t = ill treatment. Real love shows up, is consistent, involves true effort, and respect. Do you know why a man treats a woman good? It’s because he wants to. If he isn’t treating you good it’s because he doesn’t care enough, doesn’t want to, or he isn’t ready for a real relationship, either way it is not your duty to wait around for him to care enough. If he doesn’t care enough now why will he care enough later? A lot of times people realize what they have once it’s gone, but who wants a person who only realizes their worth once they are gone? Why would you want someone who you have to leave in order for them to act right? That time you waste waiting on his calls, blowing him up or stalking the girls’ pages he likes on Instagram could be spent on experiencing life, your career goals, your spiritual relationship, and overall self-care.

Don’t waste another minute. One thought that can help you move on or when you see yourself getting caught back up in an unhealthy situation is to ask yourself, “what if my (future/present daughter) was being treated this way? “What if my mother, sister or best friend was being treated this way?” Would you want her to date a guy like this? And just like that reality hits, remember your worth and who made you. Start loving yourself enough to walk away and live your life. The right guy WON’T waste your time.

There was a time when all I wanted was love. I was addicted to love and being in love. The feeling of anticipation that occurred during countless hours on the phone or after hanging out and forgetting all of life’s problems. I craved a life partner. I needed love like I needed air. Without it I felt empty and every time a relationship failed, I felt empty and worthless. I accepted ill treatment from different guys in dating and relationships and I tried to make them love me, because I didn’t love myself. My worth was defined by their ability or inability to love me. How foolish I was to think that I needed their validation to be amazing.

For years I tried to force connections with people who I clearly didn’t connect with because you see we had to make it work because if it didn’t work then what was love really. I accepted half-assed effort, shit I accepted no effort and gave my all to men who didn’t even deserve me, but back then I didn’t know. I am growing. I am changing. While I still suffer from insecurities (I am a work in progress) I no longer chase love. After all those years of chasing I got tired and I got lost. I was chasing them, but no one was chasing me. I didn’t know who Leslie was and I really wanted to know her again.

If I said I now no longer want a relationship, I would be lying. I want a relationship when the time is right, but not just any kind of relationship. I want a real love, a love that is consistent, unconditional, spiritual, and authentic, and I will not accept anything less. I used to cry many nights wondering why this guy didn’t love me or why he wasn’t showing me effort. I overanalyzed everything and I thought that if I did this and that that he would finally put in as much as effort as me. A guy will put in effort for the girl he wants, so if he is not doing that he doesn’t want you. A guy not wanting you says nothing about your value. Sometimes there is a lack of connection and chemistry, sometimes you know you don’t connect but you want so desperately to do so that you try to force it. Sometimes he can’t love you because he doesn’t even love himself. And sometimes he is just a total douchebag. But no matter what the reason, know this, your value does not decrease because of someone’s inability to see your worth. You will lose yourself trying so hard to hold onto someone who doesn’t care about losing you.

After that relationship and a few others failed. I spent some time with God and myself. I realized that you do not need to chase a soul mate. I realized that God created me, and that meant that I was amazing and that anyone who couldn’t see that didn’t deserve me or was just not meant for me. I basked in my awkwardness and randomness. I fell in love with every inch of my body, acne scars and all and started focusing on my goals, and experiencing life. I craved God and I started working on my relationship with him and instead of filling that void in my heart with undeserving men, people or things I filled it with him. Everyday I am learning more and more on how to do this, but I feel more at peace. I missed the woman I used to be and so I started looking for her and chasing her. I spent alone time with her and learned just how fierce she is, lol. I took time to evaluate why I used to chase the wrongs things. I found love in God and in myself.

Now if I meet a guy and he starts distancing himself or treating me wrong, I simply walk away, because “ain’t nobody got time for that”. #Notimeforshenanigans. I rather be alone than date someone who doesn’t know my worth or who isn’t man enough to say how he truly feels. Often times we chase people or things to fill the voids in us instead of filling that void with true self-love. We feel ecstatic when he calls but feel empty and lost when he doesn’t. Stop chasing him and start chasing yourself. We must find validation in ourselves. Know that you are enough; you are so enough that it’s not even funny how enough you are. Some people won’t be able to embrace you; some people don’t even know how to love because they don’t even know how to love themselves. When you take the time to truly love yourself you will realize that not everyone will love you, and you won’t care. You will find out what you love and hate and create steadfast values and live in your truth. You will love yourself flaws and all and stop trying to get a man to do the same. The right man will come at the right time when you are not looking. The right man will love you just as you are and you won’t have to chase him; he will pursue you effortlessly. And then it will be your decision if you want to choose him back. Stop settling and stop chasing other people. You do NOT have to chase a soul mate. I kept searching for love in all the wrong places. And then I found God and myself and realized that love has been here this whole time.